The woes of a half-observant Jew

Consciously keeping only part of the Torah’s commandments often feels right to me. I drive to shul or a Shabbat meal on Friday night but usually sleep in Shabbat morning. Often I’ll drive to the beach for a walk on the famous Vancouver seawall or go hang out with friends. Sometimes I rent a movie though I try not to spend money on Shabbat.

I used to buy a few different products without a hechsher but just lately decided to go fully kosher. Well, minus the canned hearts of palms that don’t have a hechsher (because they’re just so good!) and the fact that I cook on Shabbat. Oh, of course I eat in vegetarian restaurants but what do you expect, living in a city where keeping kosher means never eating in a nice restaurant?

Most of the time I don’t know what to think about my decisions. Good for me, I’m living the way I feel I need to right now or bad for me, I’m such a hypocrite?

As someone who grew up in a “fully” “observant” home, I was taught that it’s all or nothing. You are striving to fulfill all the mitzvot. If you are, at some point, not observing a certain mitzvah, this is bad and you should be working on changing this.

Well, that was fine until I started feeling progressively claustrophobic in that way of life. I tried for years not to give up my Orthodox life because really I do love it and I loved being part of the Orthodox world, but I couldn’t figure out a way to continue being Orthodox and emotionally OK.

After I graduated high school, I realized that I was starting to feel like something was “missing”. I went on to study in a yeshiva which – though a wonderful experience for most of the girls who attended with me – left me feeling more empty. Then I spent the next few years hoping a solution would arise to save me from my ever progressing feelings of disconnectedness and shallowness in my life. I tried to find a rabbi I could talk to. I met a few and found solutions from none.

In the end I realized that as much as I dreaded this decision, my only option was stop being fully observant. I said to myself that if Torah is truth, I am going to have to leave it and hopefully come back to it in my way. The way that is good for me.

The thing is that I didn’t leave it out of anger. I never really wanted to leave it. And as such, once I decided that I should leave, I still wanted to continue to observe as much of it as I felt I could.

But that means that now I almost always have some feelings of inconsistency and hypocrisy in my life. I’m in a constant struggle trying to decide what I’m willing to do, what I want to do, and where I draw the line (in either direction). It’s also difficult when one week I could feel like I want to be more strict and other weeks I really don’t connect. But I know (or I try to know) that this is the only option I’m aware of that is best for me at this time. So I live with the inconsistency.

But sometimes the inconsistency becomes a lot more complicated. For example, this year Tisha B’Av came out on Sunday. Of course I take Tisha B’Av very seriously. No food, drink, leather shoes, sitting on chairs, etc. etc. But, do I cook on Shabbat for the meal before the fast? Do I take a shower in anticipation?

I admit, I did both but it felt very strange. It was like I was sacrificing one very important mitzvah for another. Halachikly, I do not know which one carries more weight, but definitely it feels very wrong to be cooking on Shabbat for Tisha B’Av. Does it not take away from the seriousness I put on Tisha B’Av in my life?

These moments come and go but they do make me wish that I wasn’t sitting on the fence, with one leg on one side and one on the other (as goes the Israeli song). They make me one moment want to abandon all Torah actions until I’m ready to keep it “all” and the next make me want to be able to finally return and do things “properly”.

But then I remember that as crazy as it seems to the outsider, and often as crazy it feels to me, the way I’m living is the best I can do right now. I want to be keeping as many mitzvot as I feel I can. And I cannot (yet) do more than I’m doing. And so, I choose to continue my life of inconsistency and hypocrisy.

I just can’t write

Ah! It’s driving me crazy. Every time I have an idea for an article, I start writing and then I get stuck. And my new problem is not that I stop having what to write about but that my idea starts getting more and more complex and I have more and more things I want to try to express in the article, that it sort of loses itself.

It makes me realize that maybe I’m a blog-writer at heart. And then it also makes me think that maybe blogging is lazy writing. Sorry bloggers! Just a thought. I mean, how much easier is it to write a blog post than to write an article? The post is written in pretty casual language. It doesn’t necessarily have to have an exactly beginning middle and end. It can be short. Actually, for the most part it should be short.

But I must figure out this article writing because I have all these ideas that I think are article worthy. Not that I am against blogging. But I want someone to give me $$$$ for my writing and right now, that aint happenin’ through bloggin’… right…

OK, must figure this out.

P.S. And there you go. I have a blog post in I dunno, 3 minutes? Sheesh.

I love being wrong

You know, it might sound crazy, but I love when I’m wrong. OK, not always. But often it is a very relieving feeling.

So often I have this feeling of being right and having to show that I’m right. But then when something comes up that shows that I was actually the wrong one, I feel like I don’t have to worry so much about proving my rightness all the time because I’m not necessarily right anyway so why go crazy over that?

And on that crazy note, good night.

Wanting to write, nothing to write about

I was reading an old blog of mine. One that was, and still is, top secret to anyone who knows me. And one of the best posts that I read was written one day when I felt like writing but had nothing to write about.

What an interesting phenomenon probably more than one writer (yours truly) has, of feeling the need to write but not knowing exactly what to write about.

Truthfully, my mind is full of lots and lots of stuff. But most of it I’m not willing to write here. Yep, too personal.

But when I was asked just now how I’m doing (by sms - I’m here alone), I responded that really how bad could I be considering that I got to watch my neighbors’ underwear slowly sway in the wind as the humidity regained equilibrium with it. I also got to watch a kid play with a balloon by a beautiful rose bush. The stupid thing (meaning the balloon, not the kid) got popped almost immediately and the kid, as is customary, immediately broke into a half-fake sob.

But anyway, most importantly, I’m trying to work on a relatively (for myself) big writing project and have feelings of insecurity almost constantly. But why? Why must it be this way? Why can’t we just go merrily on our way, as we attemp to do whatever we feel like doing, and let time tell if we suck or succeed. Or both. Or neither. Why must I decidedly waste kilowatts upon kilowatts of energy (from now on I think I’ll talk about how many watts I burnt instead of calories, in case I ever talked about how many calories I burnt anyway, and, btw, calories are also kilocalories, but go see how many “laymen” actually know this fact) instead of just doing stuff?

Sigh… Maybe I really shouldn’t try to do something extraordinary with my life. Maybe I should just make as much money as I can and, I dunno… I dunno!

I just need my life to be meaningful. Yeah yeah, you never know what might be way more meaningful than you think. Woopee. Not good enough for little miss, “I’ve gotta feel useful and like I’m making a difference in the world” over here. I know! It’s totally selfish to have to feel meaning in your life, right?

Ha! It’s amazing how certain things, though they can be viewed as selfish on a certain level, lead to so much more productivity that in the end, it’s the best for the world.

The ferver with which people act when they feel meaning in what they’re doing, is proof enough of that.

OK, well, this secretive “bigger” writing project of mine is very important. OK, so I don’t know if I’ll actually get anywhere with it, but if I do, I could really help people with it. So, shouldn’t that give meaning enough to push me to work on it with the great ferver mentioned in last paragraph?

Sigh… It seems that sometimes, or quite often actually, the questioning of oneself overrides the feelings of meaning.

How sad.

And with that, I shall end this post.

To love or hate life

With some exceptions, we often love life when things are going “right” and dislike it – or even hate it – when they’re going “wrong”.

But isn’t it the same thing that I’m loving or hating? It would be like loving a person one moment and hating them the next. How is that fair? The person is a complete entity. They sometimes do things that jive with us and make us feel good and other times do things that are the opposite. Whatever they do, they’re still the same person.

And whatever life “does”, it is still the same life. Is it a gift from God? A curse? Is it wonderful? Horrible? A mix? Or maybe, or probably, we can’t really know what it is. It’s a thing that we seem to own – or at least have on lone – for a short amount of time. We might have a certain amount of control over things. We might “succeed” in certain ways. But in the end it is quite a mystery what it actually is.

The fact that our feelings about life or people change, sometimes quite drastically, depending on what happens, shows that the feelings are based on very subjective data.

The person did what you wanted them to do, you have strong positive feelings about them. They did something not so nice, you don’t really like them anymore. They suddenly surprise you and do exactly what would make you happy, and it does. It makes you happy about having that person in your life.

One moment life is giving you a wonderful place to live, good people around you, a feeling of fulfillment through your job, a healthy relationship with a spouse – ah! Life is so good!

Boom, God forbid, something terrible happens. Oh how life sucks.

Or does it? Was it really good when it was good? Is it really bad when it’s bad?

Well, don’t ask me. I dunno.

When to argue

So the latest idea is that we SHOULD go to sleep angry (not on purpose, of course). <a href=”One person“>One person says that’s because things seem worse to us at night when we’re tired. Another person writes that it’s best to wait until you aren’t so angry and so it’s better to go to sleep upset than to force yourselves to talk about the issue at night.

And then there is Rabbi Shmuley Boteach who still seems to believe in the till recently accepted idea to make sure to argue, even late at night, rather than letting anger and resentment to build up.

So what’s the answer? I think that both are simplified. Life is dynamic and so are we. We are also all different from each other. Sometimes it’s important to talk right away and other times it’s preferable to wait.

The most important thing is to work on being extremely aware of how you’re feeling. Don’t ignore or try to force feelings away. If you work on being self aware, then you will learn what is best for yourself and your partner.

There are so many possible scenerios. Here are some, except please realize that each scenerio will have many sub-categories too (I’ll talk in first person since it makes the writing easier):

1. I feel the need to talk right away but my partner is very much NOT ready to talk.

Can I wait? If so, then I will. If not, I will tell my partner that there is something that is sitting so heavy on me that it’s hard for me to put it off. Then we try to figure out when/how we should talk. Maybe we’ll just start the conversation immediately or maybe just letting my partner know there is something wrong, is enough “venting” to allow myself to wait till later.

2. I feel I need to talk right away and my partner is cool with that.

It’s OK, once in a while, to have a discussion or argument at night. It’s just important (as always, but especially when you’re more tired) to pay attention to what’s going on. Is the argument productive? Are you arguing in a healthy way? At some point is it better to put the issue aside, go to sleep, and continue another time?

it’s important in this case that the partner also feel comfortable to say when they’ve had enough for the night. Of course they must be sensitive about what the other person is going through, but if they are starting to feel overwhelmed and worried about the early morning awaiting them, they must say so. It all is about communication and this is part of it.

3. I honestly feel OK to push off talking and/or possibly never ending up talking about this subject.

Often the fear when not talking about something immediately is that it will never be dealt with. And truthfully, it’s possible that it won’t be. But it’s important to get used to looking at the bigger picture in a relationship. Sometimes I can move past an issue without talking about it because in the end it isn’t such a big deal and/or if it comes up again I can discuss it then. And that’s OK.

In this scenario it might help just to put out there that something is up. But sometimes that isn’t a good idea if it’ll make your partner worry.

Probably the most important thing is to not make a bigger deal out of something than is needed. If you’re able to do that, you might be able to argue about something late at night because the argument will only last a few minutes. Issues that in the past needed hours to work through, now can be discussed calmly, in a by-the-way fashion and be done with.

Repay someone’s act of kindness with appreciation

The idea of repaying someone for a kind act is in itself problematic. Are we supposed to keep even tabs? Are we supposed to just do general good in the world in order to repay the world for the kind acts done to us? Should repaying have no place in our psyche?

I think, well, I actually don’t know exactly what I think about all of those questions. But one thing I know. Often when I do something nice for someone, to me, what will make me very happy, is if the person shows appreciation.

I grew up in a home where we learned to say thank you easily. We thank our mom for every single meal she makes. And we generally try to thank each other for things. I think it is important to train yourself to be used to noticing when someone does something nice for you and make sure to let them know that you noticed, by thanking them.

P.S. Of course you cannot expect a thank you from everyone all the time but I think it’s good to strive towards showing appreciation as much as possible.

Deena

A most challenging mind game

When you’re upset at someone, you need to challenge your current perception and ask yourself, “What parts of my perception might be wrong?”

AKA, we need to give people the benefit of the doubt.

This is one of the most difficult yet rewarding mind games one can place with him/herself.

Often when I get upset at someone, I feel annoyed but at the same time I try to ask myself, what is this person going to tell me that might totally explain what happened and make me realize they did nothing wrong? And I must admit that when I do tell them what I’m upset about, it is often extremely enlightening to hear what that person has to say.

And the rewards are obvious. Much less stress and more loving relationships.

הלואי עליי!

Man oh man, is it tough!

Deena

How do I give respect?

I just read a really important article at aish.com by Sara Yoheved Rigler. One of the things she talks about there is respect. She asks the question, how does one give respect to another person? She writes:

“How does one actually honor other people? The key is to validate their reality. Usually our own reality is so intrinsic to us that we dismiss other people’s reality as insignificant, flawed, or warped. To take a step back and allow another’s reality to prevail permits the other to feel his/her own importance. This is the essence of giving honor.”

Oh, it is so hard to do that! I usually feel the need to believe that my “reality” is the most real. You need a ton of confidence to be able to honestly validate someone else’s reality.

Oh, if only I could really do that.

By the way, doing this doesn’t only make you respect other people, it also helps you live a much calmer existence, not one where you’re constantly feeling the need to fight for your “reality”.

Lessons from a Vancouver spider

OK, you ready for this one? Put on your seatbelts because otherwise it is gonna TOTALLY blow you away.

Yes, I’m modest about my writing. You know what modesty is, right? It’s knowing EXACTLY what you are. So, I know exactly what I am.

There is something I really, really, really, really want to change about myself. Except more than 4 “really”s but I don’t want to bore you (in case you’re one of those people that actually does read all the repeated words).

So, like, really, really. Got it? But, this is something so deeply ingrained in myself that though I’ve been taking this change seriously for a good few weeks already, I keep feeling like I regress BIG-TIME. I mean, this week I just felt despair. Despair because I am unsure I’ll ever succeed in changing this or at least, I’m unsure I’ll change it in time in order to help me live life in a healthier way now.

And what does this have to do with spiders?

Two days ago I saw 4 spiders in spider webs. FYI, Vancouver can be extremely rainy. And it has been the last week or two. But two days ago was the beginning of dryer days. And there were the spiders, lots of them (I mean, not millions all over the place but definitely you saw quite a few, if you noticed them), out building their webs.

When I noticed my 4th web of the day, I decided that this was beshert and I wanted to figure out the deeper meaning behind the spiders and their webs.

Ready?

They build their webs. The rain washes them away (in a second - they are so fragile!). They rebuild. The rain destroys. And so on and so on. They just keep building. Each time, they just “try” again.

I also thought about the fact that the Hebrew word for spider, עכביש, has the word, כבש, which is part of the saying, כובש את יצרו. Conquering your negative inclination. Conquering the things that destroy you, that make it difficult to live life to its fullest.

Anyway, point being that just like the spider, I just need to try over and over again, to change this thing about myself. And yes, it’s deeply ingrained, but if each specific time I focus on it and work on it, hopefully I’ll succeed in overcoming it more and more.

For those of you very analytical people, I know the analogy doesn’t work 100% but feel free to let it go. It’s a good lesson and it’s a lesson I needed.

So in conclusion, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, TRY!!!

Another conclusion. I’m sure this is a little depressing to some of you but you know, when you try to change something that is so freakin’ hard to change, this type of thing can be hopeful. Because it’s real and true.

Shabbat Shalom,

Deena